My 2023 started without any goals. I picked up where I left off. Perhaps deep down, my intention has been to heal all along. I just didn’t expect more breakdowns along the the way.
The beauty about a breakdown is that you are forced to find a workable way to be with yourself and the world. It is easy to complain about the horrible things in the world, which we know are plenty. It is tempting to let despair drive you beyond help, which I am guilty of from time to time. Pain is painful no less. How do we transform it so that we don’t transmit it?
It is plausible to start small and start with my own pain. I’ve learned to lean on my support system when my pain becomes too large to hold on my own. When I couldn’t get out of bed to get my medication, my mom flew thousands of miles to care for me; my dad sends daily notes of encouragement. My family and my friends assured me that I am needed, no matter what’s ahead. My fear was so large that I didn’t know how to face it alone and I let myself accept their help. I am still here, thanks to them. We need each other, more than some of us dare to admit.
What happens when you have no one? I suggest looking around to find a pet, a tree, a cloud, a stuffed animal, your own breaths…Something that allows you a deep exhale and a faint connection to Life. As Life will have it, my fear and my hope can sit next to each other. Life wants itself to go on; you and I are a part of it.
There is more to my healing work, much like your own. Perhaps, we are meant to teach each other something. The mystery of life will not be complete without any of us. Who’s to say what the Purpose truly is? Perhaps, all your Life’s purpose is to save that homeless black cat.
For those who are committed to healing generations of trauma, I cheer you on. Let’s not abandon ourselves. Let’s try to be more patient, kinder and truly listen to ourselves. Drop all weapons against ourselves, please. Reach out for help, please. We are precious, beyond words.
Love,
Xiaoyu
