I am trying to find a friendly opening after not writing for so long. I love writing. That’s obviously why this blog still exists. Writing still tethers me to life and to the part of myself that’s ever mysterious and exciting. Life changes and it changes me.
While I was busy planning the wedding, I found out that I am pregnant. We had to push the wedding. We moved in February to a new city and found out soon after. People close to me are happy and excited. I can’t match their joy or excitement.
Being pregnant is the most physically uncomfortable thing I have ever experienced. And I am only a few months in. I am tired all the time. My breasts have grown to (what I believe to) be an unmanageable size that hurt my back and neck. The nausea has made figuring out what to eat extremely difficult. My left nipple feels like someone is slicing them with a tiny knife from time to time. I have to pee frequently. I also lost my taste for meat or anything yummy. The silver lining is that the baby seems to be healthy and growing in the right place. People tell me that the 2nd trimester will be better. I am cautiously looking forward to it.
I still have a hard time thinking about how all the mothers went through this painful process over and over again! I can’t believe someone did this for me. It feels insane. Week 7 and Week 8 were so dark for me. It felt like the baby is trying to kill me: I can’t eat anything and I was so tired and felt depressed. I kept saying: I don’t feel like myself anymore! I don’t know this person and I don’t like her! I don’t want to do this anymore. Of course I don’t feel like myself anymore. I have someone else’s DNA inside of me and my hormones have changed dramatically. My body was busy making the placenta, practically a new organ!
My partner is supportive. He is over the moon about baby. That’s a good thing. Someone has to be excited about baby while the mom-to-be is freaking out. We had our first doctor’s visit a few weeks ago and they took eight tubes of blood for various tests. We found out that, we will have a girl. That’s good news for me. I wanted a girl.
It has taken me a minute to get onboard with reality. Yes, I am carrying a fetus now. She is about the size of an apricot. Yes, I am hoping she will be a healthy baby. Yes, she has to come out of me somehow. Yes, I will be responsible for her life. And she will be the most important person of my life.
My friends with kids say that I will be great at being a mother. They also say that it will take at least three years before I feel like myself again! At work, the maternal leave policy suggests that new mom should apply for short-term disability benefits. I feel like I need short-term disability benefits now.
What’s hidden under all the exciting changes is my desire to find a new line of work. I am not sure what it is yet. Something less corporate and more peaceful. Something I don’t dread everyday. Right now, I am just trying to carry baby to term and get my paid maternity leave.
Nothing exciting here. Just moved to a new city, getting married and carrying a baby. Many women have done it before. I hope I will do them proud.