On her way to the kitchen, Anna ran into John and his two kids. John went to college with Bill. Recently divorced, the weight of life shows. This joy deprived man has a dim light in his eyes. He is gentle, patient and attentive to his kids. He is thoughtful and relaxed with adults. Anna smiled to John and greeted him politely. She has never tried to look back into John’s eyes. She knows too much about him from his ex wife.
Anna got a glass of water and sat down at the dining table. Birthday gifts for a 3-year old girl parked the table full. Anna felt nauseous. She chugged the water and checked her phone. One more hour, after the song and the cake.
“Anna! Anna!!!” A familiar and safe voice called out to her.
“Rebecca!” Anna stood up and went in for a hug. “Congratulations. You of all people are married.”
“Right?! It is crazy. How are you? Jack? Is his name Jack? How are you two?”
“I’ve been good. Yes, Jack. Jack and I are taking a break.”
“Oh, Anna. That’s a bummer. The way you looked at each other. I mean, Come On! How are you feeling?” Rebecca put her hand on Anna’s arm and gave her a gentle rub.
“I feel okay. Sad. Angry. Numb. Mostly angry. “Anna took a breathe there and asked “Where is your man?”
“He is in Italy, with his brother.”
“Cool. I will be your husband for an hour.” Anna give Rebecca a side hug. She fits right under Anna’s armpit. It is comfortable to hug her. Rebecca leaned her head on Anna’s shoulder for a second. Anna’s stomach twitched. She loved Jack’s random side hugs and his kiss on her forehead. She wants Jack’s hands on her.
Rebecca’s presence made the whole party more enjoyable for Anna. She watched kids running around, screaming, crying… Jack wants this. All of this. The marriage. The house. The kids. Anna doesn’t. Anna won’t. There is no resolution. Love alone isn’t enough.
Anna looked around at the whole party and thought to herself, funerals need to be this vibrant and colorful. Jack would have understood what she meant by that. Time. A bit more time. Then, maybe friends.
Like her arrival, Anna timed her departure to draw no attention. She said goodbye to the people she loves and drove back home. Not much energy left, Anna showered and got into bed.
She hesitated for a minute and eventually called Jack. It is 6pm on a Saturday. He picked up on the second ring. “Hey, what’s up?” His crisp voice.
“I went to Dani’s birthday party.”
“How was it?”
“It was awful except I saw Rebecca. You would have loved it.”
“Of course. How’s the newly wed?”
“She is good. You know her. Mostly sunny. What are you up to?”
“Cooking. I have to go in a bit. Do you need anything?”
“No. What are you cooking?”
“Pot-stickers. Your favorite kind. Do you want some? I can drop some off when they are ready.”
Anna closed her eyes and said, “It is okay. I am going to sleep. Glad to hear your voice.”
Silence.
“I miss you. I miss us.” Jack being Jack.
“I do too. We want different futures, J. What we have, had, was beautiful. Some people go through their whole life without that experience. That’s enough for me. ”
“That’s not enough for me. I want our children. I want your eyes on my children. I want your lips, your bellybutton, your hair, your toes…I want *our*…”
“I can’t give you that.”
“No, you don’t want to give me that. You don’t want to give yourself that. You are scared. You are scared you will love them too much and it will hurt and you can’t protect them from life. You are scared, and you are amazing. Being loved by you…” Jack paused. “It’s okay. Let’s not go there today.”
“Thank you. I appreciate it.”
“Yeah.”
” Enjoy the pot stickers. I know they will be good.”
“Yeah.”
Silence. Anna stared at her ceiling, remembering Jack standing on the bed, being goofy and singing “Can you feel the love tonight?”. His crisp voice.
“Anna? You alright?”
“Yeah. Good night, J.”
Anna’s favorite client Mahogany is coming in to the office for her session today. She has been with Anna for the past four years. She is one of Anna’s wellness client. She is high functioning and self aware. From a clinician’s perspective, Mohogany isn’t in crisis or distress. She has a healthy support network. A career she loves. A devoted partner. Her main goal is to work with Anna to resolve past trauma and rediscover her sexuality.
Mahogany walked in with a bright yellow dress; her skin shimmery under the sunlight. Her soft features contrast her personality and her style. You can’t help but admire her. She looks like a piece of art. There is power in how she stands in the room.
“Hey, you. Come in. Where would you like to sit today?” Anna smiled.
“Hi, I am going to sit there” Mahogany smiled back and pointed at the hammock.
Anna pulled out her notes and Mahogany’s file, sat opposite of her.” How would you like to start today? Breath or check-in?”
“Breaths. I want to lay down and breathe today.”
“What type of breath are you thinking? Simple? Guided? Imagery?”
“Simple. I will let you know when I am ready.”
“Okay.”
Mahogany took off her heels and settled into the hammock. Anna also took off her shoes and planted her feet on the floor. She teaches her clients to slow down and reconnect with their body. Slow and conscious breathing is one of the best tools to settle the dust and connect with ourselves.
“I am ready.” Mahogany whispered.
Anna opened her eyes and asked, “What are you noticing?”
“I am tired. Headache. Shoulder tension. Upper back pain. Cold hands. Warm feet. I am having a…”
“Slow down. Put the story aside for now, and return to your body at this moment and breathe into the tension and pain. Stay with it. Notice how you feel when you do that. ”
” I feel sad. I am tired. I am tired of being me.”Mahogany changed the pace of her speech.
“I can connect to that sadness and desire of being someone else. Who would you like to be?”
“I want to be someone who is able to enjoy pleasure with their partner. Why can’t I enjoy it? What’s the problem?! ” Mahogany sat up.
“I can give you a long list of why. How about we focus today’s session on what you enjoy instead? Let’s leave sex out of it. Anything you enjoy doing by yourself or with your friends?”
“I like baking and cooking. I like trying out new restaurants. I love napping with my cats. I enjoy a nice cup of tea.”
“What about those things? What do you like about them? Notice how your body feels when you talk about them.”
“I like the warmth from my mug. I love hearing my cat’s breathing next to me when we nap together. I love my friends’ presence and humor. I love the process of preparing something yummy, the cutting, mixing…”
“How does your body feel when you talk about it? What do you notice?” Anna saw visible signs of interest and energy coming out of Mahogany’s body.
“I feel nice and warm. Some excitement in my chest.”
“Good. Stay with the excitement. Tell yourself that you know pleasure and you know how to enjoy yourself. And breathe into it. Trust it. Trust your body.”
Anna understands that Mahogany wants to leap over her trauma and have erotic and exciting sex despite of what has happened. But the piece of trauma work from being rape at a young age needs to be addressed. She questions, whether as a clinician, she is giving Mahogany too much time to dance around the edge of this important work.
Anna closed the session by asking Mahogany keep enjoying what she feels safe and talk to Andrew about how he could be a small part of those activities Mahogany enjoys.
Anna decided to take the afternoon off. She laid on her office floor and flipped through photos. Three months into the break, Anna still feels like someone reached into her chest and pulled out her heart and stabbed it repeatedly with a kitchen knife. This love business, has Anna busy her whole life.
Anna closed her eyes and recalled the day they met. She was rushing to the venue where she was giving a talk about intimacy. She had skipped lunch and hunger was shouting for attention. By the time she reached the hotel, she had 15 minutes to figure out food. She asked the front desk for assistance.
