Life goes on without my interference. Roses red and white are blooming in my neighborhood. My cats are staring at the cardinals outside of the window. Trees in the backyard are lush and still, soaking in the sun. It’s a perfect spring day. I even noticed myself humming on the way to the coffee shop. How incredible to feel joy right now.
My body is growing rounder and larger as it should. My doctor thinks I need to slow down with my weight gain. (LOL. I will try.) When I stand in front of the mirror, I saw a stranger’s face and body. I don’t know who is staring at whom. Is that the baby or just my full stomach? All of it feels unreal. Is she doing okay in there? The app on my phone shares with me week-by-week development of the baby. Her senses of sight, smell and touch are all coming in this week. It is exciting for her.
On a good day like today, I’ll forget that I am pregnant and go about my day. It is blissful! The internet is great at feeding you what you have searched for. Endless prenatal, postnatal, birth, breastfeeding information sandwiched by stroller and crib ads are being pushed towards me. It is too much. The algorithm needs to give me some variety!
For the past couple of years, I have grown intellectually lazy. I would find myself sitting and doing nothing, instead of being excited about some new thing I am learning. I am not sure why that is. I don’t get pulled towards anything with a strong sense of curiosity or urgency. I feel lethargic. Parts of me miss my past intensity. I am much milder and calmer about whatever is going on now. I want my intensity back? Maybe I just want my focus back. A wide range of responsibilities cut up my day in small unrelated slices. Maybe this is a normal progression of life. I am ever so slowly learning to relax and enjoy life. It feels unnatural.
How are you coping with what’s going on in the world? How does it impact you day-to-day? I feel tired. I am just so tired. I try to feel hopeful about the future but I fail to convince myself on some days. Nature helps. Friendship helps. Humor helps. I can only hope that my kid is more like my partner. I hope she will have a lighter and more joyful existence. I hope she will have a great sense of humor!
Speaking of humor, I didn’t understand how important it is for my survival until recent years. I have long loved funny story tellers. Ian McEwan. Nora Ephron. Marc Maron. Mike Birbiglia. List goes on. Humor is essential. Because life is absurd. This existence is so absurd and so precious! I hope baby appreciates and values humor as much as I do. It will be a great tool for her in life.
I have picked a date for our wedding anniversary. I wrote wedding vows that basically says “I will try my best” in an endearing and funny way with personal details and inside jokes. I am learning to not dread or imagine the worst case scenario whenever I look out into the future; and I am practicing to believe that things will work out fine for me and for my family – because they have worked out fine despite of challenges and without the help from my profound anxiety and worrying. My OB wants me to send good vibes to the baby. “You need to think positively for the baby. Only happy thoughts! Try meditation.” I will need to ask AI what are happy thoughts and what do they look like. I like to picture happy dogs running around in the park and playing fetch on a sunny Spring afternoon. That makes me happy. I love dogs. I love them so much.
Second trimester is a lot better than the first. I plan to enjoy the rest of it! Talk soon. Remember to not put on too much weight until next time.