Hi there,
I am writing to you from my friend’s dining table. The sun is torching in Texas. It is hot and humid. My friend doesn’t like AC, so I am also writing to you in my own sweat – quite miserable and happy.
There will always be writing to return to.
How have you been?
My body has been dissociating. I tried tapping, a therapeutic technique. It is funny and sad to see myself tapping my limbs, while my brain registers nothing but numbness. I feel like a floating cloud with a mean head.
Visiting my friends has given me the chance to leave my life and experience someone else’s. Her life is filled with time with husband, cooking, learning, shopping, dining out with friends, and weight lifting. She is action oriented, not much overthinking. Her life looks happy, peaceful with an upward momentum and regularity.
I will never fully know her internal landscape. What I see and experience is a newlywed couple building a life together. It is both ordinary and out of my reality. They remind me of where I came from and who I have become.
Roots, I thought about roots. Their social circle is mostly Chinese immigrants. Their cooking mostly Chinese cuisine. Their cultural identity clear. Their sense of self secure. I observe with awe and respect. They are proud to be who they are, flawed and all. They don’t discount their belonging. They act from a place of worthiness.
Standing across the river of reality, I feel like a suboptimal human. With so much self hatred and contempt within, I wonder what their internal lived experience is like. I wonder whether I will get there.
I simply hope I will keep walking. I want to build my own roots. I want a warm and safe physical space to call home.
Let’s keep trying my friends. Thank you for being on this healing journey with me.
Xiaoyu
