On my walk today, I met a woman from Hamburg, Germany. Her name is Elina. She is passing through my city towards Niagara Falls. She wanted a photo of her against the backdrop of the blue sky meeting the water. For what is known only to God, I chatted with her after taking her photos – much unlike me. Today, I genuinely wanted to know what brought her here and where she is headed. We had a lovely conversation. She asked me questions and listened and left me with this haunting line – “Oh, you must love it here, since you’ve been here for so long.”
Her words made me think about my relationship with my city – this foreign land where I have built the resemblance of an adult life. Bittersweet – I feel bittersweet. I am here and I don’t feel a deep sense of belonging here. I love this city and I love my friends here. Yet I am untethered and I am almost always vigilant in public spaces. I am aware that I look different. I am aware that I grow up with different social contexts and social contracts. I arrived without fully understanding the demons of American culture, white supremacy and what the demons could do to one’s body and spirit. I arrived here for I bought into the idea of a sense of freedom – I want to be my own person. I want space and freedom to speak my truth. I want my life to be mine.
Prior to my life in America, I have lived an existence free from the white gaze but not free to express myself. I felt safe in my body and dignified and proud to be me but I had to tone down my display of true self. For the decades that I’ve been here, I observed social contracts that seem absurd and unnecessary. I’ve tried to reject my needs and construct a persona to fit in. I was sexually assaulted here. My heart was broken here. I shaved my head here. I found a renewed sense of self here. I survived a global pandemic here. I learned to appreciate the changing seasons here. I’ve experienced true and beautiful adult friendships here. I’ve said yes to loud parties with terrible beer and drunkenness here. I am still writing a story here. I am still learning and making mistakes here. You see, it is complicated. I am complicated. I have an ongoing dialogue with this city. I am not ready to end our relationship yet.
At the same time, the desire to explore and visit new places and try on different perspectives and cultural norms are present. To stay or to go is a question only I can answer for myself. Right now, I don’t have a good enough answer yet. My life is happening here. I love parts of this city and I am still holding out on the hope of belonging. And that’s such a beautiful human trait to embody. I want this city to be my community to nurture.
I am fully here now. And I am not eager to leave.
Belonging, this innate human desire – may we find it, may we create it for others, may we be courageous enough to show up as ourselves and speak our truth, may we feel seen, may we feel safe, may we allow warm embrace to carry us in difficult times, may we let the mysterious unfolding be filled with magic, wonder and awe.
My friends from the interwebs, thank you for being here. I belong here, with you.
