Hello friend,
How’s your head doing?
I am learning to start again. Sitting in the same chair, typing on the same keyboard, I feel unfamiliar with the person that inhabits my body. My old tricks to cheer her up fall flat. I feel as if I don’t have authority over this living being. Maybe I don’t. I am asked to build a new relationship with myself.
It feels exhausting and frustrating at times. I got used to being her commander. I talked her into doing things that I deemed valuable and good. She cooperated, for a long time. Good for me that she’s on full strike. She’s exhausted.
Ten days ago, I managed to write down one line: I am barely functioning. It was true.
I want my high functioning self back. I want to ignore the impact of the pandemic. I want to put the difficult stuff behind and march on. I want to pretend everything is fine. Good for me that pretending no longer works. I am struggling.
I am in the middle of one of my worst depressive episodes. My body dissociates most of the time. I feel numb and hopeless most days. I don’t want to dress up. I don’t want to dance. I don’t want to play any music. I haven’t been able to do much. I don’t have a ta-da to share. I am right in the middle of it. I want to write down what I am going through. Not to worry you, I have asked for professional help. And I don’t want to give up.
I have many questions though. Where could I find strength and hope? How do I regain trust with myself? How does my relationship with food relate to my relationship with other humans? How about the relationship with myself? Why can’t I eat like a “normal” person – breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner? Why do decisions around food plague me so much? Why does something that nourishes the body and connects people bring me this much stress instead of joy? Maybe we all have a difficult relationship with food? I wish I had a honest view of other people’s day-to-day struggles instead of the highlights of their life.
I can’t help but wonder what it’s like to be you when you are struggling to live with mental illness. Is brushing your hair a struggle? How about showering? Doing the dishes? Do you neglect your plants? Does the emptiness and numbness eat you up? Do you wonder if you’ll get better? Do you feel that life will engulf you and you can’t seem to go on because you don’t see any road ahead? Are you as scared as I am?
One positive benefit I noticed so far is that I am forced to be compassionate towards my nervous system. I have to be patient and kind. I’ve blown out the whole system. Wanting it to come back online within weeks is not attainable! I am learning new techniques like tapping. I am watching tons of movies. I hope to be resourced enough to attend yoga classes again.
I remember the first time I got a journal. I was seven years old. I learned to hold tightly to the pencil, making up sentences. I firmly wrote one word after another. I’ve found my way into the mystery of existence.
I looked at photos of me from four months ago. I looked happy. I was experiencing panic attacks from left to right. Photos lie. We lie. I don’t want to lie to myself anymore. Perhaps writing will reveal who I am becoming and what I’ll need. I am scared to sit in the unknown with my intuition turned off. Scared as I am, I want to establish a connection again.
Hope you are doing splendidly better than me!
Love,
Xiaoyu
