Hi friends,
Long time no “see”. I hope you are doing well. I hope you are feeling a sense of safety, wellness and love.
I am not doing so well, with no surprise to mental health professionals. And I am trying. I am finding my way to live with a collection of complex post traumatic symptoms: anxiety, depression, isolation, disconnection, disassociation, emotional numbness. The toll of Covid layered on top of past trauma, I am in a state of crisis.
Currently, I am having a difficult time accepting that I am sick. I want to pretend that I am okay and go on with my life the way I did. The reality is it takes so much encouragement to get out of bed and face the overwhelming amount of fear and chest pain. Small things such as carrying a daily conversation seems impossible. Fear would flood my whole body. The sense of having no control over how my body would react further enhances the fear. A vicious cycle.
The only safe place is my bed. It is also be my prison. I stayed in bed during most of the Thanksgiving holiday. I feel frozen. Frozen in time and frozen in my mobility. When I try to explain to myself that there is nothing to be afraid of. It is just taking a shower. You can do it. My reptilian brain cannot register that my frontal cortex is trying to comfort and help, not to trigger more trauma response.
I am scared.
This is a new beast that I’ve never encountered before. I know how to handle depression alone. The other mixture of unwanted party guests are knocking me over. I almost couldn’t bear the weight of them. I am grateful that my mother made her way to be with me. She arrived just in time to catch me fall. Her presence is giving me a sense of gravity. Her love and care for me is helping me to heal – at a pace much slower than what both of us had hoped for.
Cooperating with reality is the only way to go.
As much as I want to shake off my illness with a good night of sleep, the overwhelming sense of panic and despair reminds me to take it slow and to show myself compassion. It is easy to attack myself when I am not feeling well. Not feeling well does not equal bad self and bad personhood. I need to remember that.
I am also trying to find the right medication to help. The first two medications didn’t work. I got worse and wasn’t able to function. Writing all this down is allowing me to see that I didn’t want to die and I am trying to help myself – contrary to what my head is telling me.
My mind will continue to create abysses. I hope my heart will continue to cross them. And writing and continuing to write will guide me home. I need to remember.
If you are going through a tough season, I understand. Wherever you look, you will get a sense that life has left you behind, other people moving on, creating stuff, living life and having a grand time. What you are going through is also a part of life. Maybe you and I can bring a hint of curiosity and a whole lot of compassion to our specific scenario and process.
May you feel a sense of safety, love and hope. May I feel a sense of safety, love and hope.
See you soon,
Xiaoyu
