Greetings,
Is your eating disorder back online? Are you so anxious you feel like you are about to explode? Do you get no solid rest and do not want to get up to do anything? Even things you’d enjoy like writing, singing and making music?
If you check Yes to the above questions, you are my doppelganger. Let’s meet up. What are we doing?
Inside all the madness, there is a sweet thread of sanity that says, all is well – keep trying. I want to scream to this thread and say – are you serious right now? Have you checked with reality? Alas, I am here writing, while stuffing chocolate chip cookies down. I am sure the sweet thread of sanity won.
According to my eating disorder, my relationship with myself needs mending. I am not well. What happened?
Suspect 1: I climbed so much and I did not have time for my creative pursuit.
Suspect 2: I made a tough decision to bid goodbye to an old friend.
Suspect 3: I made new friends and the depth of the relationship needs time to mature.
Suspect 4: My visa is still in limbo.
Suspect 5: The news.
Suspect 6: I miss my family.
Suspect 7: I compared my progress in life with others.
Suspect 8: I have not been focused enough to read and to learn.
Writing the list of suspects helped – I am not living my life according to my values. The solution is more accessible – I need to change my behaviors. I am tempted to change everything. No. Let’s start with changing my creative habits. Write a sentence or two every day. Play the piano for 5 minutes in the evenings. Gentle expectations for showing up as how I am each day.
I was listening to Tony Robbins last week on my way to climbing, amidst the height of my anxiety on a steamy summer day. The sky felt low. I was not aware enough to notice the still tree tops. Through my earphone, the motivational speaker reminded me that we have a choice. Many of us are not born with the privilege of a loving family. We all have limiting beliefs. And to a point, your pain will be too much and you will change. He dares me to challenge my beliefs. How about we focus on this one: I need to go at my creativity with full force and speed everyday.
Lightly, may I handle my relationship with creativity lightly. May I keep trying no matter how yucky I feel inside. May I adopt the discipline to abandon despair daily.
Trying,
Xiaoyu
P.S. Give me your excessive gentleness. Thanks.
