Shame, Shame, Shame

I am deeply ashamed. Ashamed of being me. Never good enough. Often scared and anxious. Always grappling with the meaning of existence. What am I to do with this heartbeat? How do I join the ocean and find a sense of belonging? What can I do to stop the pain?

In my head, there is an image of what a healthy and normal human looks like. And I am not it. Since I am not good enough, let’s start the shame party. I am convinced that I am alone in this shame. I am not fit for other healthy humans. I should hide. Shame is pushing me away from life.

Here is a small sample of my shame. They are ridiculous – why would you be ashamed of that? I don’t know. I wish I am not. The script in my head often sounds like this: why show your weird and shameful self to the world? There is no chance that you will be accepted as you are. On good days, I can stop the script. On bad days, I want to curl into a ball and not exist.

I am quiet. I feel blue and depressed often.
I learn fast and lose my interest with equal speed.
My PTSD is unpredictable, hence my alertness and hyper-vigilance, hence feeling tired easily, hence feeling frozen and stuck, hence unable to perform the most mundane of tasks. Hence hating on myself.
I change my mind often. Instead of running towards the fear, I avoid and hide.
I daydream too much. I am interested in the imaginary world, not the reality.
I am too sensitive and empathic. So much so that your ache aches in me. Live music is too much for my nerves. A simple honk from the busy street sends my body jumping.
I am not interested in makeup, heels or bags.
I am not talented in domestic affairs. I am messy: books are spread out in my living room.
I am a night owl and I don’t enjoy mornings.
I have a hard time letting people in and at the same time, I long to be known intimately.
I find it difficult to feel my feelings, hence difficult speaking my truth.
I have post-its all over my apartment to remind me that change and good outcomes are possible.

I don’t want to be choked to death by my shame. I don’t want to feel so isolated and alone as a person. The sad and exhilarating truth is, I am only human, like other humans . I hope by sharing, it will help one more person, other than me.

Being who you are is your mission in life, no one can walk your life for you. But being human is a communal journey, you are never alone, if you are willing to show up and let others show up for you, this tough mission of being you might surprise you with bits of fun, love and joy.