What’s real to me may not be real to you. Our perceptions of reality couldn’t be further from each other. We make different meanings out of the same event. This is why we feel lonely. And being understood feels amazing.
We are relational. The back and forth does something to our brain and our heart. It leaves a slew of images, touch, sound and aroma. Then we remember. We remember what our favorite meal smells like; we remember the spot we like to be touched; we remember her sundress when she showed up at our front door and leaned in for a kiss.
We are seeking security and risk simultaneously. We enjoy the comfort of having the security and support from people who love us. A hug and a kiss from them disalarm our nerves. They are labeled as ‘safe’ in our brain and there are sets of behaviors reserved for the safe people. On the opposite hand, we get excited and energized when a cute stranger compliments our look. We calculate the risk and either engage in the conversation or simply node and smile.
Novelty goes hand in hand with risks. The suspense and tension of finding out whether something will work engage our senses. We want to find out how things end. We want to try the new sushi restaurants around the corner to find out whether the food is any good. We want to date new people to see what’s that like. Sure, we have different levels of risk tolerance. It is up to ourselves to decide how much is enough.
This is why long lasting happy marriages are difficult and rare. It is difficult to balance two evolving people’s needs for security and risk. It takes self awareness, vulnerability and the willingness to compromise from both parties. We don’t get in a relationship to only love others, we want to be loved and have our needs met. We want to feel secure and able to trust the other; we also want to feel surprised and excited by novelty.
Experiment with the level of security and risk mix that works for you. It reveals great information about the gap between what you think you need and what you actually need.
