Hi there,
Did you spot any “odd” color combinations on your walk? I saw flowers with bright rosy pedals and clustered yellow centers – two warm and bright colors wrestling with each other. How dare you nature?! How dare you throw colors so vibrant at me with full abandon?! What else can I do besides trying to embody this spirit?! Summer – you are slutty and reckless and I love you.
Okay. The rest of the post will be all about ME, since I am a speck in the universe and I am here writing. Let’s zoom in on this speck and observe her for a minute.
She has trouble thinking “straight” – she is thinking differently because she has new information about herself and the world.
She has recurring thoughts that read “ I want to die”. It is just a thought. Her actions show otherwise.
She has been surviving on icecream for 2 weeks. Why not?
She stopped wearing sunscreen because she can’t be bothered. Work and life has been demanding.
She dreams about an ideal self that is perfectly aligned with societal and cultural values. She thinks that will make herself fall deeply in love with herself. Silly.
She is experiencing deep anxiety of knowing how much she doesn’t know. It comes from a good place of curiosity and desire to learn.
What makes her happy is becoming less predictable. She is changing.
As she writes, she seems to know what’s going on.
Let’s zoom out. Parts of my personality are changing. I am remodeling my internal world: old foundational beliefs are under scrutiny. New ones are not firm enough to provide a sense of security and solidity yet. Hence the anxiety. I am growing older and wiser.
I have a new appreciation for my discipline – not your one percent improvement everyday discipline, it is the discipline to not despair when my internal and external worlds are shifting; the discipline to not despair when I have days where I don’t create; the discipline to not abandon myself ever; the discipline to trust my actions.
In short, let’s keep trying despite loud and annoying doubts and fears.
Be well,
Xiaoyu
