Hi my friends,
I have been thinking about my consciousness. The lenses I have when I am interacting with the world. It is time to change some of the lenses.
I didn’t find much freedom in my birth country. At a young age, I started learning English and have been a consumer of American media and entertainment. This may be common for many people across the world. America is great at exporting its culture and products.
I later moved to the US and spent most of my formative years here. I am feeling claustrophobic again. I need to go on another exile. Being boxed in by American culture can feel like there would be no place to go to get away from it. I know it is not true.
But the sense of futility is real. The sense that I would feel when writing sometimes. What’s the point?
This is the lens I need to adjust. I want to be more optimistic. I want to be the type of person who looks at the glass and the water inside, and say: “oh, clean, safe, drinking water! Let’s find more of that.” Even writing this out sounds comical to my head. I need to practice my optimism muscle, while carrying the baggage from past trauma. I need not to listen to my trauma response and choose something different. One sliding door moment at a time.
I totally didn’t want to write today. Why bother? No one is going to read my writing. It doesn’t matter. Blah. Blah. Then I realized that’s my inner critic talking. Hey David! Relax David. David’s gonna be along for this whole ride. He is not driving or writing though!
I feel hopeful. More like, I choose to feel hopeful. Any lenses you want to adjust for yourself? Let me know. I care to know.
Bye for now,
Xiaoyu
