What goes into your head when you think of giving up? I think of stagnation, death and misery. I think of becoming homeless. I think of suicide. I think of concerned loved ones. I think of a bleak and doomed future. In short monkey terms, my brain believes: giving up, bad.
I have the deep rooted problem of equating my worth with my productivity. I suspect many of us have the same problem. The culture of “more, more, more” benefits from this belief system. What capitalists don’t want a productive worker bee? So, there you go, narratives and value systems are created to incentivize us to be more productive, to go above and beyond. But the relationship between being productive and getting desired results do not necessarily correlate. The relationship between being productive and a worthy human is even more farfetched.
I don’t have a personal problem with working hard or improving oneself. I like being productive. There is an innate sense of satisfaction when you see your output. You even get a dopamine hit when your output benefits more than just yourself. That’s why seeing how your effort helped someone can feel so rewarding. That direct feedback gives you joy. Ironically, this potentially positive human programing can be destructive on the flip side. Familiar with the term workaholism? Employers love to hire and breed workaholics.
It is beneficial to wake up from the narrative of you reap what you sow. It is not the reality we live in. If I am a straight white man, my experience in life would be drastically different. I would have relatively more freedom, privileges and opportunities.
I was frustrated for most of my 20s because I believed I could reap what I sowed. I worked hard. I tried different things in different ways. I believed in this egalitarian ideal. I thought something was wrong with me. Why didn’t it work for me when I am doing what I am supposed to do? Why didn’t it work for me when I followed the “rules”? I believed that the reason why I am not getting the desired results must be I didn’t work hard enough or there is a better way. That could be true. But there is no denying the fact that this game is rigged. The rules are set up to help certain players win. And I look nothing like those players.
Plus, there is the fact that our life expectancy may not allow us to reap what we sow. That’s the reality we are working with.
I can’t go back to believing I will reap what I sow. I also do not want to give up trying all together. So, what do I do? What can I do? What’s worth trying? What’s beneficial to give up?
Lucky for us, life provides plenty of practice ground. Giving up in certain scenarios and circumstances can be life saving and life affirming. Giving up expectations on being perfect creates deeper connections and more space in my relationships. Giving up on winning non-essential arguments frees up mental space and creates more inner peace. Giving up believing that self improvement will lead to happiness allows room for presence and the experience of being. And of course, I give up at times when I should have persisted. More often than not, I have the problem of not letting go when I should have.
Giving up is scary. The people who brought me up are fighters themselves. They experienced a different reality than mine. I am lucky to reap what they have sowed and live in a relatively peaceful environment with my basic human needs covered. But the natural aversion to giving up is bone deep. Surrendering to the flow of life takes courage. How do you not feel scared when you realize there is no ground beneath you, not even guardrails to hold onto?
The good news is, you are floatable. Better news, the current changes all the time. Even better news, you don’t have to stick with my metaphors. Ah. The sweet freedom of giving the hell up.
