Novel – WIP Week 3

The front desk was checking-in a group of professional sportsman. From their built, Anna figured, soccer or rugby. She went to the front of the line and excused herself, “Sorry, I am in a rush. My talk is in 12 minutes. Can any of you help me find something quick to eat? An energy bar or something. I would really appreciate it. ” She gave the front desk her pass and looked up at the tall man in the front of the line and said, “sorry!”
He smiled and turned around, “Yo, Justin, got any energy bar on you?” Before Anna realized what happened, tall man had caught an energy bar flying from the back of the line and handed to Anna.“Problem solved.” He leaned in and read Anna’s name aloud from her name tag. Anna took a couple steps back and looked at the tall man with surprise “Oh, thanks. I really appreciate it.” She took the energy bar and started rushing to the elevator.
“Catch! Anna!” The crisp voice aiming at Anna. She turned around and saw a stuffed animal flying towards her and she ducked. A small polar bear. The tall man threw a polar bear? What is this? Anna didn’t have time to think. She picked up the polar bear from the floor, stuffed it into her purse and ran to where she was supposed to be.
“Dinner?” Michael texted. Anna put her phone away and kept on walking. She has a 12 o’clock with Derek. Derek likes walking and he meets his patients at parks. It took Anna some getting used to. Park has too much data inflow and it doesn’t seem to impact Derek. Derek always wears a devious smile and a bright red tracksuit. He is one of the most brilliant therapists Anna has worked with.
“You look fabulous in that new haircut. It is getting shorter and shorter. Want to talk about it?” That’s a Derek greeting.
“No.” That’s a Anna greeting.
Derek pulled out his recorder and said “Patient has a strong aversion for physical compliments. Patient is also a talented sex and relationship therapist. Intriguing case.” Derek pointed to the south of the park where a young couple is picnicing. “Let’s go towards them today.”
Anna looked at the couple and started walking, “I don’t want to have kids. I don’t want to have kids. I don’t want to have kids.”
“You don’t want to have kids. You don’t want to have kids. You don’t want to have kids. I hear you. Do you want to hear yourself?” Devious smile.
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t convince you to have or not have kids. You can’t convince Jack to not have kids. Are you trying to convince yourself one way or another?”
“Of course I am. I am not putting myself through hell for nothing. I love Jack. I love Jack in a healthy and mature way that I didn’t know was possible for me. I let him know me. I let him love me. You know how difficult that’s for me. And to choose myself over that love is another level of healthy I didn’t know I am capable of. And it fucking hurts. All that I ever wanted in love is right in front of me, with a price tag I can’t afford. It is fucking unfair. So, I am convincing myself, Derek. And I am angry. I am mad.”
“Anna, is hurting so bad? Isn’t it wonderful to see how much and how deep you can love? You are so strong Anna. You have been since you were 15, because you had to. You can love Jack and let Jack love you. Let that sink in. Remember you letting Jack brush your teeth after your surgery? You will go on loving Jack. You will go on loving. You will go on letting other people love you. It will hurt, of course. You know what you signed up for. We keep no hostages Anna. That includes ourselves. Leave yourself be. She doesn’t need you to convince her, one way or another.” Derek stopped walking and looked at Anna and asked: “When was the last time you danced in a park on a random Wednesday with your therapist?” Derek put out his hands and invited Anna to join. Anna looked into Derek’s eyes and put her hands inside his.
Derek started humming Tchaikovsky. The two slow-danced for a good minute. Derek managed to give Anna what she needed without her asking for it. “Anna, don’t hurt yourself when you are hurting.” Anna looked at the couple picnicing. Their body relaxed and trusting. Anna looked at Derek again. Devious smile. “I will be phoning in next Wednesday.” Derek pulled out his recorder, “Patient will be phoning in next Wednesday at noon. Patient is resisting the process of grief and patient knows she needs to feel her feelings.” “Bye Derek.”
“Meet me at Root Cafe at 6pm.” Anna texted back to Michael. She is getting herself across the town to teach a workshop. Anna has a natural talent for teaching. Her secret is to not lecture. This workshop is for relationship therapists who have spent some time in the field. Anna wants to address humility and agency.
Anna arrives on time and sets her stuff down on the table. She is asking everyone to sit in the front rows while she is putting the microphone on her. “We only have 15 people in total. Let’s come together.” She saw some familiar faces.
“You are here either to learn or to get your credit. For those here for your credit, you can be my good friends and play the patients. Let’s get in pairs. I want one of you to tell the other about a relationship problem you are having. I want the other to listen and note down the problem you heard and what you think the real problem is. And switch roles. You have 15 minutes.”
Anna glanced across the room. 12 women and 2 men, all white. And Anna. This is her room. This is her life. Anna’s adjacent whiteness hurts Anna and helps Anna’s career. She forgets that she is not white and is reminded almost immediately.
For a long time, Anna struggled to accept that clients come to her because she is good and she speaks fluent Japanese, Chinese, French and Spanish. There are not many therapists who can do that. It is not because she seems white. It is not because her almost whiteness gives her credibility and creates a false sense of safety for clients. No. Anna is good. She keeps telling herself that. Her mentors keep telling her that.
Anna reached a point of exhaustion to have a cohesive identity of herself couple of years ago and took a month off. Halfsies. She wanted to meet more halfsies. Those who stuck in the middle, white, but not quite, Asian, but not quite. The world chooses your color for you based on the occasion. Halfsies are quite versatile. Two for the price of one.
Anna looked at the timer and called everyone back from the exercises. “Let’s see what relationship problems we’ve got. Here are the tapes. Paste your notes on the board and let’s have a look.” Passing out tapes to the group, Anna felt the room warming up.
“Okay. Group 1. Leslie heard Mark say that his wife is so busy with work that he doesn’t know how to find time to connect with her. There isn’t a right time. Leslie thinks Mark’s real problem is that he is afraid his wife is leaving him. Great job guys. Let’s dive into this one. What assumptions are you making Mark?”
“I am assuming that my wife doesn’t want to connect with me because she is too busy. I assume she prioritizes work over our relationship.”
“Great. Leslie, what assumptions are you making?”
“Based on how Mark worded his sentences and his body posture, I assumed that he is afraid. I didn’t check with him whether he is actually afraid. I assumed his wife is leaving him based on past evidence I have accumulated.”
“Yes. Exactly. We forget that multiple realities exist and we forget to check our assumptions with each other. As clinicians, we work with the most fascinating data. Our patients lie to us all the time. It is our job to work with the data they have given us. We are showing them, here is what I heard you say, is this right? And we need to be clear with our own reality first. We all have colored lenses and it helps to speak about them. When I hear you say X, I have this story about Y. We are helping the patients to see their reality and we are also helping them to see the other’s reality. Both are valid. It is our job to develop a relationship template that patients can take with them and apply to other relationships. And people are capable of changing and finding solutions for their own lives. Clinicians are not here to rescue patients. We are here to show our patients that they are not crazy. They are just human. We are here to help put themselves back to their own skin. We…”
Before Anna could finish her final thought, the fire alarm went off. Everyone was asked to leave the building. It is not a drill. Anna had her mind fixed on the board. The board with all the relationship problems. She didn’t have a chance to see the rest. Someone must have the same problem as hers.
Anna sat in her car and looked at the empty passenger seat. The night when Anna lost one of her patients to suicide, Jack sat in that seat next to her, holding her hand tight, and said nothing. Anna rested her hand on the seat and watched the firetruck, police vehicles, EMS unit rushing into the building’s parking lot. The sirens made her ears ring. “Jack.” Anna sighed.