Hi friends,
It is May 2022. I am full of surprises. So are you.
Much of life, similar to climbing projects, is about endurance. You start with “That looks like a terrible route and I don’t think it is possible.” Then you strategize your movements and you get on the wall. You fall. You fall. You fall dozens of times. You go “This is a terrible route but these couple movements feel good. I want to keep trying and I might be able to get it.” You change strategy and you play around with different movements. You make new friends along the way. You fall. You fall. You fall a couple dozen times. Then one day, you are suddenly one move away from the top. You tell yourself “I got this. This is doable. One more move.” Your friends are cheering you on, and you trust the practice and time you’ve put in; one move, you are on top. You feel the rush of adrenaline, a sense of accomplishment and pride, and blissful joy known to the heavens. You celebrate, you rest, you move on to something more challenging and start the whole process again.
This has been my felt and lived experience of healing. When I was forced to grow at an exponential rate in my early 20s, I thought: let me do intense therapy for 6 months and heal as fast as I can, as complete as I can, and then I can move on and live my true and beautiful life, as if the hurt and trauma never occurred. I thought I must get to the other side like a champion – fierce, excellent, powerful and perfect. You just wait. Whoever this “You” I am trying to convince.
Now, I am here, made to the other side: I am writing. I feel deeply comfortable with myself and whatever form I show up at the present moment. I am not ashamed of my messy humanness. And I am present, as present as I am able to. I am not auditioning for a role. I am fully myself in my skin and living my life. The elusive destination that’s called “there” does not hook me anymore. I am not biting.
I stood in front of my mirror today with profound tender love towards myself – hair unbrushed, teeth unbrushed, in my PJs with swollen eyes. This transformation was made possible by choosing to keep showing up, one moment, one breath at a time, since there is truly no other way for us humans. If you are reading right now and you look at yourself in the mirror and you don’t experience the tender love that I am describing, that’s okay. Start by thinking one kind thought of yourself. You are standing – that means you have a working heart pumping blood and oxygen across your body; you have legs and feet to stand on; you have vision and the ability to see… I am trying to tell you that when your attention and your focus starts to shift, your life shifts, in slow and subtle directions, with changes imperceptible to yourself. You wake up a decade later, you look in the mirror and the accumulation of positive change is too large to ignore. So, start now, my friend, tiny tiny positive changes over a long course of time.
And I want to let you in on my secret, I struggle. I still struggle. Of course I do. Don’t let a moment of my tranquility fool you. How could I not struggle? I am only human: a deeply feeling and creative and courageous human, just like you. The evil forces in this world are waiting for us to give up. My friends, we simply won’t. We choose not to. We choose to keep showing up. We choose to love ourselves and our neighbors. We choose to take care of our own little corner of the world. We choose to vote. We will fight for what’s right and just, for liberty and freedom, for women and men, everywhere. We are resources for each other, not competitions. Remember that.
As for my new climb, I want to finish one of my novels. I think I am able to do it. I will remember what it is all about: endurance and discovery. Also remember why I started writing in the first place – it is because of love. I choose love and will continue to choose its power and its magic one moment after another.
Do you have a new climb you are thinking about? Tell me. I want to cheer you on.
Love,
Xiaoyu
