Hi there,
Are you up working, thinking, or are you reading? Are you by yourself? Who/what is next to you?
I am up writing. Next to me is my pen, my depression, my journal and my phone. I feel steady enough to write to you today. That makes today a great day.
I also climbed today. Another reason that makes today great. I prefer my sore muscles to my burning head and numb spirit.
I sat next to Becca today and chatted. She has a gentle round face. Her golden hair and her autumn-sun smile makes my heart float. Like laying on a peaceful lake, naked and held by the water.
Becca told me the abbreviated version of her love story with Ryan. I officially met Ryan today. This is Becca’s story to tell. I hope she writes a screenplay about their love. I think it will be an art house favorite.
I asked Reese about his training routine. He is going on a climbing trip to Utah this October. We did the “I-Y-T”shoulder exercises together. The gym owner, Chick, interrupted our session in his bright yellow shirt. Three of us giggled and exchanged unexpected versions of fist bumps.
Jack is going through something. Life is stressful for him at this moment. He didn’t share the details. The gym is also too packed today to have a private conversation. I offered him a listening ear when he wants to talk. He called me a good friend.
A good friend. Someone who loves us as we are. Someone who calls out our BS. Someone who holds our hands when we are scared. Someone who drops off meals. Someone who actively chooses us and wants us to be a part of their life. Someone who listens. Someone who makes you feel seen and heard. Someone who is capable of loving and supporting us the way we need.
Friendship carries me, especially in my darkest moments. My special friend, Catherine, sends me love and encouragement across the pond. She sends me beautiful nature photos and clips. She is walking for me when I can’t physically get myself to a tree.
My wise friend Jenny, she tells me to take one breath at a time. One inhale. One exhale. She tells me that she believes in me. She understands what I am experiencing. She is able to love me without losing herself. She understands me. She sees me.
It all comes down to love. I want to be intimately known and held. I want to show you my messy humanness. I want to be honest to myself. I want this little girl in me to come home, to me, the adult. I’ve got her. I want her trust more than anything. Come home baby. I am right here. I am not going anywhere.
I told you it is a great day. I will try again tomorrow. One moment at a time. Do it with me.
Love,
Xiaoyu
P.S. Extra encouragement for when we need it. Bet on yourself. You’ve figured it out before. May our hearts be filled with love. May we love and let love in without inhibition and attachment to the results. May we let life and love heal us in this process.
