Hi friends,
It is letter time of this week. A new month has started. Spring will not be far.
Hold on.
X.Y.Zheng
Letter No. 22
J,
I woke up with a head cold and a sore throat. The winter wind got to me. On my way to coffee with Craig, I saw a young couple holding hands walking down the street. They were not wearing winter gloves. Bright smiles drew across their faces.
Craig looks weathered. His hair has gone mostly white. His big blue eyes dimly lit, ample with sadness. When he tried to squeeze a smile for me, I wanted to hold him. I wanted to say, I understand, my friend, I understand. But do I really? Here, sitting across from me, is a man whose beloved wife ran away because they could not have a baby after years of trying. His world is scooped hollow. I can relate to the feelings. In reality, life and love is all around us, but our ability to see has been taken away, gone with the ones we love. In this cold, parallel space, there is no reception for love, or for hope.
We sat in silence for a little while. I talked about my potential teaching opportunity. I shared my feelings of excitement and anxiety. I talked about my current project. I talked about how I feel I couldn’t get my energy focused and centered on it. I talked about how I feel my energy dissipating to mysterious unseen holes. He listened. I wanted to ask the impossible question: How are you Craig? How are you really? But I know the answer. I was sitting across the answer.
Instead, I asked him about his work. I asked what he had been reading. I asked about his plans for the summer. I suggested that we could go on a silent meditation retreat together. He laughed. We chatted about the absurdity of life and our attempts to alter it for “better”. He shared that he is thinking about adopting a new dog. His eyes shined when he mentioned this idea. I am glad to see him in person, to hear his voice, and know in my body that Craig will be okay. Regardless of what Rachel decides to do, how their marriage will reshape, Craig will be okay. I loved feeling that in my body.
Tomorrow, I will have dinner with the dean and his family. I took it as my unofficial approval to join the faculty team. Let the drama begin?
Wish I were telling you all this in person while holding hands… Time for bed.
All my love,
Hannah
