Letter No. 16
Hannah,
The sun has just set. I am sitting on a steel-colored zabuton in a stranger’s house. Long story short, I helped a guy with his headshots. He is an aspiring actor/model/influencer named Hiroto. He has bushy black eyebrows like yours. And he is warm and enthusiastic about American culture.
We are in Kamakura now. It is nice to come back here. December has perfect walking weather in Japan. The sun is glorious and forgiving. I get all the warmth without the sunburn. This whole trip I have been trying to find the right time to tell you that I am angry at you. The anger has not subsided.
You walked on eggshells around me for 8 months. You wouldn’t fight with me. You let me smash dishes. You let me scream at you for doing nothing wrong. You of all people tried to hold me and brush my stupid hair and let me tell you that you are wasting your potential for playing it small and safe. Why are you not fighting back? Why have you given up? Where are your exhilarators? I am angry at the fact that I can’t have children, while you are perfectly fertile and don’t want to have any. And I am well aware that seeing me in pain makes you feel so guilty for something that’s not your fault. And you let me exploit your guilt. Why are you letting me be so mean to you? I hate myself for hurting you. I also hate you impassivity.
What have we become? Life has driven us over the edge. So what?! Big deal. I can’t have kids and you lost the love of your life. So what?! When was the last time you let yourself have a real argument? You have built an airtight bubble now. Do you feel safe in it? Aren’t you bored?
While I was taking this young fella’s photo, I had a visceral experience that I am trying to digest. The moment I pointed the camera at him, he started flirting with no hesitation. He is acutely aware of the commodity he possesses, and he uses it with precision. The photos turned out great. This interaction made me want to look for commercial projects here in Japan.
Working has always been good for me. I will write more next time.
Rachel
