Hi friends,
Today, Hannah writes to Rachel. The two met in art school and become best buds. Rachel is currently in Japan and literally walking herself into acceptance of her infertility.
Since Hannah needs the reminder of her belonging, I figured it might be nice to offer to all of us. Each one of us belong to this living world, with trees, birds, turtles, lions, owls, spiders…As you go on with the list, you will see how much you belong.
Hope you enjoy the letter, at your own pace.
Xiao-Yu Zheng
Letter No. 14
Rachel,
I am writing to you from my dining table. I thought about what you’d look like with a shaved head. It would be quite the contrast to your soft feature. All that is left is your big blue eyes! Take tons of photos. I want good and bad ones.
I was hand washing the ivory coffee mug you made me just now. Out of nowhere, I burst into tears. I want to hold you, and I want to be held by you. You have always been a good mother to me. If you want, you can mother me for as long as you wish. I can’t give you the wide eye gaze only infants can. I can’t deliver the freshness of life grabbing your skin and your hair with their tiny hands. I can offer friendship and hardcore listening. I am a great nap companion (difficult to argue about this fact). I love reading you poems and making you dance with me. Plus, I clean after myself. Come back to me when you are done walking in Japan. I need you to at least be on the same continent with me, preferably the continent where your nice husband also resides. He will not force you to come back. I make no promises.
Do you remember that summer afternoon? It is a year prior to Jeffery’s accident. We were singing and dancing in my studio with your massive playlist on shuffle. He walked in and saw us absorbed in the moment. According to him, Rihanna’s Love Without Tragedy / Mother Mary was playing. He stood near the studio door watching us, until you saw him and invited him to join our impromptu dance party. He later confessed to me that the experience felt unearthly to him and it was one of the most beautiful moments he had personally experienced. Looking back, I am so glad you were there with me because your first instinct was to invite him in.
I don’t want to consider the possibility that you may decide to stay in Japan. Who is going to make me mugs that fit my oddly small palms? Who is going to constantly judge me about my sugar intake while shipping me my favorite New York cookies? You are necessary here. You will get bored of being on the periphery. That’s my specialty. You, my friend, you run the whole show.
I am letting my fear and my neediness dictate this letter. See how much I need your mothering.
If you insist on building a quiet and simple life in Japan, I will get on board. I will practice Japanese with you. I will go visit. Before you decide anything, talk to your lovely husband. I am getting the impression that you are not talking to him.
Take good care of yourself on the road. Bring Rachel back to me in one piece, please.
Hannah
