Dear Readers,
Have you been reading? Writing? Doing anything you enjoy?
I will say that staying vertical and being a semi-functional and responsible adult (for me at least) is a miracle.
I am gaining some strength to write again. Not much but I will take it. I was forced to take a full stop and an uninvited sabbatical for the first half of the year. I was scared to say the least. Not that I haven’t been there before type of fear, rather I wasn’t fighting to get out type of fear. I sank and I watched myself sinking. I had no emotions and no tears to cry. I was dumb, dull and dead. I was genuinely curious about how bad it would get. I was not eating. I was not listening to music. I didn’t want to see or talk to no one. I was barely able to hold my head up.
My not easily startled therapist kept on repeating to me that I was getting healthier. Healthier?! I had to believe her. I wanted to believe her. She has saved my life multiple times. I trust her. I trust her with my life. Only time will tell, my friends.
I get a mixed sense of guilt and joy when I write to you. You are a real person to me, of course, which makes it possible that you might know me in real life. It is the feeling of being naked in public – uncomfortable and shameful even. What I write here is venerable and personal, of course it is. Even though I have a choice over how much I share about myself, I am walking closer and closer to the edge of ripping myself open. I want to give someone else the opportunity to feel and see themselves – We are all weirdos. You are not alone.
On my good days, I deeply believe this is a heroic act. On my bad days, this feels like child abuse. The little kid in me is screaming to be covered up and protected. I feel like I am failing her. Somethings should stay only between she and I. I will always be learning how to coax her into letting me share this experience of being a human, without losing her trust completely.
Let me show you what else is in the bag of never ending curriculum of being a human, specifically for me: perfectionism (the expectations of being perfect); building trust with myself by showing up for myself with action and kind words; respecting my own boundaries and communicate my needs with the people I love and care about; processing emotions that exist within the moment in my body without justifying why I am having them; letting go of control for things that I have no control over – other people’s emotions and actions; forgiving myself and giving myself what I need.
The day in and day out experience of being a human feels exhausting right this moment. But I do remember how happy I was in my body when I was with my friend’s children and the joy of sharing s’mores together. Let’s keep going? There might be wonderful surprises down the line.
Oh, and I met someone, who is very likely a money scammer. More on that later.
See you next month,
Xiaoyu
