Dear readers,
How’s your 2021? I feel like Christmas was a century ago while January flew by. My perception of time and reality have been out of whack. I feel confused and disoriented. A financial expert from an important company that manages extra important people’s money said: “If you don’t feel confused, you don’t know what’s up!”
There, the expert said it. Who and what should I believe? I am confused and angry. Which vaccine should I take? Should I take them? Can experts be honest enough to tell us that they don’t know what’s going on?
My head hurts. Is it a migraine from staring at a screen for too long or an exhaustion from thinking? Can you tell that I have not been out of my apartment for a while? Yep.
I need to get myself out of my apartment. Have you been able to get outside? What part of your daily routine has shifted?
I am still reading and writing. Most of my book consumption has been in audio format this month. One of the books, named The Gift, had an impact on me. It was written by a holocaust survivor. She immigrated to America and built her American dream. The one lesson she shared stuck with me: take ownership and responsibility for your life. She endorses the Nike slogan, “just do it.” She mentioned how the people who waited for someone else to come save them all died in the camp. I don’t want to die. I’d better act on my own behalf.
She also mentioned that the scariest prison is the one we built in our head. I know the one she is talking about intimately. I get caught up in a thought. I forget I am more than that. When my thoughts terrify me, I pour them out. Nothing works better than pen and paper. I gain safe distance from my thoughts and can observe how much time and energy I am wasting on things that don’t matter, out of my control or has not happened yet. My special talent is what I call the double punch. I imagine a horrible situation happening to me in the future and thinking, if I rehearsed it, I would be able to take the real punch better. Why get punched twice? Be smarter than me please. Trust that you are able to take the punch life throws at you. But once is more than enough.
I am not over fishing my creativity this winter. I am letting myself rest. It is a new practice I recommend. I believe it is good for me. My inner critic, David, believes otherwise. David is this ruthless British banker that loves security and perfection. Secretly, David wants me to write the best stuff. But David is terrified. He is worried that I will become homeless and get hurt if I write what I want to write. He is equally terrified that if I don’t write, I will end my life. David wants to bubble warp my creativity. Create but only create within these set of clearly defined boundaries. He has been loudly sharing that he cannot believe how lazy I am; how my past writing doesn’t count; how zero progress I have made with my book; how my life is over. David knows where it hurts and he goes there. Thank you for sharing David! Know that you have been heard.
How are you in your own way? What’s your inner critic sounds like? Give it a name and let it air out the fear, doubt and insecurities. Then go on creating the thing you itch to create. That’s exactly the thing we need and only you can create.
I celebrated my birthday in a quiet and peaceful way. I feel grateful for life and God. I pray for courage, diligence, clarity and guidance for next steps. I pray for health and abundance for everyone who is willing to receive it.
Stay safe and healthy friends.
See you next month,
Xiaoyu
