It is 10:19pm on a mid-April Tuesday. I am writing next to the cats. They are feasting on their last meal of the day. I have cats now- a bonded pair: one tabby and one tuxedo. They are funny creatures that don’t respect human norms. They add extra work and unpredictability to my life. They also provide excellent emotional support and unmatched joy. One minute I am cleaning poop stain off of the couch. The next, they are rubbing against my legs with their soft fur. They add a happy new dimension to my life.
I am at a stage of my life where I have no energy to pretend. I am tired and forgetful – a bonus of growing older. I am less interested in seeming smart or cool to other people. I am just a person. I am trying my best to lead an honest and good life, however quiet or small it seems. I love my friends and family. I feel lucky and fortunate to have genuine, kind and funny people in my life.
I remember watching a writer talking about having a job vs having a career. I didn’t understand what she was talking about then. She said we all need jobs but not all of us would be lucky enough to have a career. I was young and taught to believe that I should have a career. I was and am still puzzled by the fact that I don’t have a career. I have a job. I don’t love my job. I also don’t hate it. If I am honest, I would like to be retired to focus on my hobbies.
Growing up, I was surrounded by driven, ambitious and competitive young adults. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the most ambitious and driven, I rate myself a 7. That’s not bad but seems terrible when you are surrounded by the perfect 10s. I tried to be like them. That only exhausted me further and made me depressed.
I am better at accepting who I am now. But from time to time, I would look at other people’s achievements and still feel like a failure. That’s something maybe we all have. We don’t see what they have gone through, the work they put in and the resources they have to get to where they are. It took me a minute to understand how to delight in others’ delight. More delight in the world is better than more sorrow.
For a while, I wasn’t sure whether I want to have kids or not. I wasn’t confident enough in my own ability to be a good mother. I felt like I didn’t have all the answers to life’s big questions. I still don’t. I don’t know what happens after we die. I don’t know where we go when we go to sleep. I do know I will love my kids. I want to read them stories and play outside together. The future is for people how are willing to show up. That’s what my partner says. He is right. It helps to have an optimist by your side. The kids will be okay. Just like how we are okay. Each generation of humans have their share of problems to solve. We somehow get to where we need to be. The somehow becomes the stories of our lives.
Some new things I tried while not writing:
1. cutting other people’s hair
2. learning music theory
3. curling my hair
P.S. my best friend Freddy inspired me to write again. It is great to have friends who support and share your passion. It is a privilege to continue growing up with someone who is so wise and funny and kind.
May you appreciate the small joys of Spring. XOXO.
