Hi friends,
I got the urge to write to you in the middle of the night. You know the post will borderline oversharing. Good thing that I already have a whole category dedicated to my unfiltered brain. I need to understand what I truly think. And I also want your advice/perspective and wisdom. So here I am. I hope you are soundly asleep while I am typing away.
I am in the early stages of seeing someone. He is bi. His sexual orientation is important because I assumed that he is straight and single. Here is a great example of never assume and always ask. He was also seeing someone at the time when we started talking. This is a red flag, is it? Though he explained it as he has been in open relationships for most of his life. I think it is BS.
I don’t have anything against his sexual orientation or his way of existing in relationships. And I like him. I just don’t know if I can trust this person yet.
I wonder what it is like to be in an open relationship. What behaviors are ethical? There must be a lot of communication going on. Is it so? Do you have experience in that world? The ethical piece is important to me. I want to respect my own boundaries and others’. I also want to make sure everything is safe and healthy void of STIs.
As I am typing, I think I will ask him more about this. Did his previous partner know that he was talking to me while they were together? How much and what does he know about me? If I were to be in an open relationship, I’d want to meet the other person my partner is seeing and get to know them. That’s what I think open and honest look like. What are your definitions?
What about the jealousy? How do you navigate that? When he shared that he is not a possessive guy. I understand it as he is not jealous about his partners seeing other people. That’s also BS to me. How can you not? You don’t get attached to the person you are seeing? Impossible. We are designed to attach.
I do like this person and want to spend more time getting to know him. I am trying my best to stay open minded and curious, while looking out for my relational needs.
This is all very new. I don’t want to get hurt and I also know that I need to be vulnerable with the person I like – hopefully the right person. What I like about him so far: thoughtfulness, responsiveness, calm energy, non-judgemental, good listening.
Safety vs the adventurous spirit are dancing together, could I trust myself this time? Am I strong enough to hold myself? I ask those questions.
At the end of the day, if I feel crappy and mistreated when I am with this person, it’s the wrong fit. Good love heals. There. I took a deep exhale right there. I will be alright.
Thanks for reading. I’d love to hear your perspectives if you are open to share.
Relationships. Relationships. Relationships. May we grow and heal into the best versions of ourselves in healthy loving relationships. May we trust our intuitions relentlessly.
Xiaoyu
Dear friend, I love that you are opening your heart to love again.
I have had to give thought recently to open relationships as it came up for me. I am very fond of the person. She is one of my closest friends but knowing she doesn’t want to be exclusive, it is a sad but clear no, for me. There is peace in that truth for myself. I want the fairytale.. and not what to me would be a compromise. We are all so different, though.
My definitions of open and honest are the same as yours. Fully open and fully honest. You’ve mentioned BS twice.. and you have questions.. My thoughts would be to proceed carefully, honouring yourself and what feels right to you at every stage. It will be become clear. Sending love!