Fire has a natural allure to me. I understand why. It will burn down everything except what’s true. It keeps me warm and safe and enthused. I told my therapist six years ago. I lost my fire. Where is my fire? I want my bright blue fire back.
I also understand why I lost my fire. I was sexually assaulted by someone I respected. In search of safety, I grabbed onto a hand from a gutless thief. Double whammy. That will do it.
I am not writing to tell you a triumphant hero’s journey. I am writing to tell you self respect is difficult and expensive to get back. If you can help yourself, please hold onto your self respect. Make smart decisions when choosing a partner. Look to their actions for clues.
More importantly, for someone who’s been sexually assaulted, you were never the problem. You didn’t do anything to bring this on. You are not damaged. Don’t let shame eat you alive. Find help. Tell someone safe what happened when the time is right for you (you don’t have to relive and share all the difficult details, not even with a therapist). Yes, evil force exists. So does love. You need care, love and professional support. You need to choose yourself and your life. You need to build a bridge for yourself. I know. It seems impossible. You don’t have to do it alone. And you don’t have to do it fast.
I can’t lie to you. The flashbacks are difficult to deal with. Navigating closeness is tricky. Your nervous system will be on overdrive to scan for danger. It will be difficult to feel relaxed. You will feel exhausted and angry and hurt and hopeless. You will want to hide. You will want to die. All that is normal. Yes, you are a different person now. And yes, healing is possible.
Not in a way that it will remove the pain and the horrific crime from your life. More like, you will become stronger and more compassionate; you will be able to hold yourself in tender love and respect. The healing happens in safe relationships, which you will learn to identify. Your nervous system will tell you. This will take time and difficult work. Choose yourself and choose love always.
To start a fire, we need to gather firewood, find a clean spot and light a match. I am ready to light my match. This time, my fire will be connected to yours, and it will be eternal.
