My company recently laid off 150+ employees. It is business. Nothing personal. Cheaper labor and lower taxes overseas. My head gets how capitalism works. My heart hurts. I am hurting.
Fear and anxiety are flooding over my nervous system. I am retreating from life. My brain attacks my reactive coping mechanism by telling me I will die if I don’t act and act some more. I spiral into a giant debilitated ball of a mess, filled with anxiety and frantic actions.
I am going nowhere by repeating this cycle.
The reality is I am an immigrant, terrified of losing her job and her visa. Terrified that I would be forced to leave my life here in the United States and be asked to forge a new life somewhere else. Terrified of change and failure. Terrified of sitting on the sidelines of my own life and wasting away my potential. Terrified of being left behind by my friends. Terrified of becoming crazy and homeless. Terrified of dying alone. One terrified human, that’s the reality.
I tried to grasp onto some sense of safety from spiritual teachings, family, friends and food. They help for a moment. Then I go back to the anxious and groundless state. What I am resisting is accepting being a vulnerable human. We all go through similar fears. Life happens and we deal with them. The messy middle is oftentimes hidden.
I don’t want to hide my messiness. Burying them inside kills me. So here I am. I feel like a mess right now. I feel like a complete failure. I am not asking for pity. I am writing to accept myself and how I feel right now. It is okay to feel bad, sad, anxious and depressed. I still managed to brush my teeth, showed up for work and wrote these words.
Writing these words gave me hope and strength. A hint of strength that I am not giving up. I am on my side. I am trying.
Perhaps you are feeling scared too. I know how that feels. I know it in my body. I hope you find at least one tool to help you center yourself, especially if you are alone. Try taking 3 deep breaths. Try giving yourself a hug. Try taking a shower. Trying drinking some water. Try talking to a friend. Try writing it out.
Keep trying. Life doesn’t get easier. We get stronger. I am trying with you.
