Sweet humans,
How have you been? What’s happening in your day-to-day life? Anything good and difficult?
These letters I write to you is slowly becoming a form of documentation of my life. Something I did not plan. Something that pushes me towards the edge of honesty.
My head still burns. Darkness and heaviness of my soul still present. Today, I managed to swim up the black cement to say hello. Hello, sweet humans.
Words have long held me since I know I am a person. The personhood that “I” think is “me” wants to die. The person who writes to you does not.
A brief conversation in my head:
Voice: I want to die.
Me: Who are you?
Voice: I don’t know.
I don’t know. This sentence saves my life. Ironic and helpful.
Something I read today: the only place on earth that does not have problems is the cemetery. This made me grateful for my problems. If I can look at my problems as a way to connect with life, I feel less fearful.
I want to arrive at the “right” answer. I want to be free from pain. I want to arrive at safety. My depression thinks death is the solution. No. Despite how painful and burning my head is, I trust that I will feel better overtime. I need to hold on.
Something I need to hear myself: start with the small things. Eat something. Drink some water. Get some sleep. Go for a walk. Take care for you first. This is plenty for someone who is depressed. Start with one thing.
To lead by example, I am going to force myself to eat some real food.
Take care sweet humans. And hold on.
Xiaoyu
