Let’s get right into it. How do you know what you want is truly what you want? And not your parents’? Or not what your culture has taught you to want? How do you know where you begin? And where do you end?
Now, I have given you enough to think about for a week. Let me tell you what I have been up to. I like books and bookstores. I have been slowly checking out all the bookstores in town. After two months here, I have gone to all of them.
There’s the touristy one that’s populated with bestsellers. There’s the spiritual one that sells tarot cards, Thich Nhat Hanh, Pema Chodron, Rumi, rocks and incense. There’s one dedicated to fantasy novels. I got three Octavia Butler books there. The store sits at the front of the railroad district where the farmer’s market happens every Saturday. There’s the messy one with stacks of books up to the ceiling. This one has a tarantula in the store. And the clerk took my number with the promise to call when the books I needed came in.
She never did call. Did she ever order the books for me? I could go back and ask her but I never did.
There is my favorite one called Big Star Books & Music. You can find treasures here. The clerks are funny and they leave you be. It is a single family house made into a bookstore. The poetry section is phenomenal. I got a stash of poetry books by Samuel Beckett, Robert Hass, Meg Bateman, Anna Moschovakis, JacK Gilbert, and Richard Wilbur. According to the clerk who’s also named Lillian, a retired banker died recently and his family brought his books in for sale. He loved poetry and according to me, he had a fine taste. The store put up his books last Thursday. I visited the next day and took most of his collection.
I thought about what people will do with my books after I die. I want all of them in public libraries. I need to set up a will soon. I have particular orders for my books and my rings. I was having a conversation about legacy with a hiphop dancer. He lives a public life filled with dancers and musicians. He has videos and photos of him and his pals. Lots of them. He wants people to remember him after he dies. He doesn’t want death to be painful. He prefers death to feel either peaceful or orgasmic.
There is a dharma teacher named Vinny Ferraro. He also teaches meditation with no BS. I like his way of teaching – honest and funny. I was listening to an interview he did with Dan Harris. In the interview, he mentioned his son a few times. He never thought he’d have kids. He didn’t think there was anything he’d be able to offer to the little humans. Then his wife came along and she wanted kids. He loves her and he got onboard. Then, he was delivered the taste of unconditional love. He mentioned that there’s always reasons that we love other people. For his friends, he loves them because they are funny. For his wife, he loves her because she’s smart and beautiful. Then there is his son, with the blameless look in his eyes, Vinny just loves this little blob because he is here and he’s his son.
I am intrigued by the idea of legacy. What do I want to leave behind? Honestly, nothing. I am here and then I am gone. What I value and what I consider as precious, may not be of value to others. The banker’s relatives obviously care little about poetry and don’t consider them worthy of the space on their bookshelf or attention. Then again, I came along and I valued the books with pure joy and excitement. So thanks Banker Guy.
I hope I leave this place as I found it, better if I am able. But better by whose standard? Mine? Who am I? I admire people who think they are making a difference in the world. I am not sure if the world needs me to save it. Certainly, I don’t want to be Hilter and make the world worse off. I have no interest in either extremes. I don’t want to be a devil nor a saint. I am interested in being here, seeing and experiencing the beauty of being alive as me. I want to love as hard as I am able to. I want to be as free as I can. I want to evolve. Where I end up is not my business right now. This seems to be closer to a buddhist way of looking at life. I am nothing and I am everything.
Along the lines of legacy, I am going to leave what I create behind. No one has ever asked me why I create. They seem to understand that it is an innate desire and drive. It is how I live. If other people happen to appreciate what I create and find value in it, that’s great. That’s not why I create. I don’t create to save the world. I create to save myself. Is this why many people have children? To save themselves? If so, I can empathize. I still don’t know about children. I have never liked them more than I liked dogs. My mom has always loved children more than she loved dogs. We cancel each other out.
When I heard Vinny describe his relationship with his son, I was curious. A part of me wants to experience this unconditional love he’s talking about.What’s that like? Putting someone’s needs above yours and caring for them for 18+ years, thanklessly. My mom did it. Many other women did it.
Do I have to do it? No. Do I want to do it? Not sure. If I started dating with the intention of looking for a future baby daddy, I would play a completely different game. A game I am not interested in right now. No kids for me anytime soon.
There is peace about being my own person. I no longer need to run my life decisions by my parents. I value their opinions. But I don’t need their input anymore. I can do me. This separation from my parents makes me happy. You mean, I can do what I want with my own life?! I am responsible for myself now. I love being responsible for myself. When did you realize that you are your own person? When are you taking full responsibility for your own life?
I was taking a shower the other day and realized that I can be fired from a job but only I can fire myself from my own life. That gives me tremendous hope and peace because I have myself covered. Do you feel the same way?
More soon,
Xiaoyu
