Hi there,
Are you looking for wisdom from people who seem to have the life you want? What does that life look like? Are you married with kids? What are you doing?
Perhaps like me, you have an existential crisis every quarter. Perhaps like me, you are a seeker. Perhaps like me, you are trying to learn.
I am vertical and writing (terribly)- reflecting on changes from my most recent crisis. No good crisis wasted. I realized that I am prioritizing my own needs and my own dreams without overexplaining it to anyone. It sounds so simple and duh – why do you feel like you need other people’s approval to be you? And duh – that’s the culture we live in. I want to feel accepted and I want to belong. It is upsetting and sobering to understand how much time and energy I’ve wasted – Ah, youth!
The picture of what a perfect woman should be and should do still haunts me. Should I climb the corporate career ladder? Should I have children? Should I go the extra mile to care for the fragile male ego I work with? I have so much compassion for the generations of women who have tried and are still trying to do it all. The narrative of a strong and independent woman is helpful and harmful at the same time. I hope more and more women are opening up to share the sacrifices they are making so that future generations benefit from their daring honesty and vulnerability. It is easier to let others see your polished results than sharing the messy middle. I am guilty of it.
I have been immersed in cultures that pride on its ingenuity. A self-made success appeals to my emotions. It is a great story that attracts eyeballs and sells merchandises. I want to be like them: a heroine overcoming obstacles and standing victorious in front of her own dreams. We all want that. There is nothing wrong with the ethos. As I look through my own role models, the majority of them are white men. As great as they are (were), they cannot offer wisdom on womanhood. I need to spend more time with wise women who came before me.
I miss Dylan. I caught myself wanting to share random silly thoughts with him. Maturity is missing someone but actively choosing relationships that’s good for both parties. He wanted to be friends. And I cannot do that. Simple and difficult. I chose to let him go. I remember sitting by the beach and watching gentle waves moving towards shore. I felt peace inside. I knew in that moment that I will be okay. Truth isn’t easy to take in but it does cut through the noise and show you the way.
I am learning to live peacefully with the never ending tug of war inside of me – seesawing, that’s what I am naturally good at. I am learning to write my own manual on how to live and be – also realizing I’d be updating that manual periodically (Evolution does not rest). I am learning to respect my own boundaries (having rules for myself helps). I am giving myself the kindness that I so easily extend to others (Just be kind). That’s a wrap. Thanks for reading.
The reality is no two lives will be the same. And we don’t matter as much as we’d like to. As a humble tiny blip in the span of Time, we are free to choose who we want to be. Isn’t that wonderful and scary at the same time?! Anything goes.
May I choose courage over fear. May you write the story only you can write. Humbly, one sentence at a time.
Safe travels, my friends. Life and Death is rooting for all of us.
Your fellow traveler,
Xiaoyu
