Hi from NM – the land of enchantment,
I don’t recall what we talked about in the previous episode. It has been that long and a lot has happened. I hope wherever you are, you have someone or something that brings a sense of peace and joy to your body.
I am writing to you on a well-worn wooden table. Instead of a cup of tea, I have a glass of cold beer next to me. We will see how this goes.
Yoga has returned to my life. I found a local studio in NM. I enjoy this community. Most people in the yoga class are older and whiter than me. And I feel welcomed, safe and respected. For once, I feel like I belong. I am not scanning for how and what makes me different from everyone else. We are here because we need this practice and we can’t do it alone. The teachers are seasoned. There is no playlist nor added heat (Thank God). Just messy humans with our breaths, movement, and shared aspiration to be free and to heal.
This studio facilitates other healing modalities. I tried out holotropic breathwork for the first time. I felt my energetic body levitating off of my meat suit. I was and I am intrigued. I am staying in NM for longer than I expected to learn more about breathwork with this teacher. She has native American roots and looks like what a shaman is supposed to look like. She lives in a yurt, where Google map can’t take me to. And I am drawn to her.
Here is where I come out to you. I am a closet psychic and medicine person. I know I have abilities not everybody has. I see and feel things. My visions and my dreams about people in my life has become reality. I have only recently started talking about this with close friends. I feel terrified. I am worried that they will think I am crazy and abandon me – one of my biggest fears. I grew up in a family that values facts and science. I tried my best to fit in by keeping my psychic abilities to myself. As I mature into myself, it has become impossible to deny what I can do and how much I want to help others with my abilities. I am stepping outside of the closet.
I have deep-seated skepticism about the woo-woo healing world, within reason. I think it is smart to take it slow. I don’t want to join a cult. I don’t want to raise my own chickens. I don’t want tattoos all over me. I want to have my own garden. I want to have a big dog and two cats. I want meaningful work that will utilize my healing abilities to help others. I want a loving, safe and supportive community.
I have always craved depth and variety. The culture we are raised in breeds a sense of scarcity and it forces us to choose A or B. NYC or the high desert. Depth or variety. I love them both. I need them both. I am going to give myself both. How audacious is that?! To give ourselves what we crave and need! My mind and my spirit are happy in NYC. My body and my heart are happy in NM. Both bring me joy. I don’t want to forgo either. I want to live in my joy. Let’s try that again. I want to live in my joy! Isn’t that empowering to claim?! I want to be joyful. And I am going to live according to my joy. (How Californian do I sound right now?! That’s totally fine by me.)
At the same time, I am learning the language of eroticism. Lots of time with Esther Perel in my ears. She’s right about how being here doesn’t mean we are fully alive. I want to reclaim my vitality by taking my life into my own palms with an equal sense of responsibility, curiosity and humility. I like being alive and being who I am. After much time spent in the darkness and talking obsessively about death, Life is blooming in me and I love it.
I have been painting more than I have been writing. There is some good stuff coming out of me. Maybe I will sell my paintings in the future. Now, they are just for me. Do you have something that’s just for you?
My dating life has been interesting. It deserves another post of its own. My takeaway so far is clarity is gold. Clear intention. Clear communication. Clear boundaries. The three Cs.
More soon. Remember to be a good parent to yourself. Don’t abuse your power. Use your wisdom and compassion. Gentle, wise disciplines. That’s what I want from myself.
Xoxo,
Xiaoyu
