Hi friends,
How’s your week? I am writing to you with a smile on my face. I am in a subtle sweet tranquility, unique to summer. I am in comfy shorts and tank tops. I am sipping on iced rose oolong tea. I am getting work done. My depression is quiet. I feel peaceful. I don’t take this moment for granted.
I want to talk about getting our needs met this week. We have varying degrees of physical, emotional and intellectual needs. It is helpful to know what you need and what you want in relationships and who your people are. There are people who can and are willing to meet your needs. They exist. That’s an important first step: knowing your own needs and believing they matter. Yes. It is possible to get your needs met.
Another key thing to remember: you, and you alone, are responsible for your own needs. Read that again. It is up to you to communicate what you need. It is up to you to advocate for your own needs. It is up to you to choose compromises that you are okay with. It is up to you to say no. Other people are not in charge of your needs. They have their own stuff to worry about. We work with each other to meet our needs in different relationships.
What I’ve observed is that the more intimate the relationship, the more important open communication and a sense of safety matters. To communicate effectively, knowing what you need helps. I suggest thinking about environment, activities and people that attract you. What about them makes it appealing to you? Is it that you always laugh with them? Do you get a sense of flow when you are doing the thing? You feel safe? Energized? Get specific. It is all about you and your needs.
For me, I need depth in my relationships. I need a lot of emotional, intellectual and physical intimacy. I need to feel safe and understood and accepted in the relationship. I also need to feel a sense of freedom to grow, to change and to explore together. I used to feel ashamed that I need this much. I was worried that I am too much, too needy. You know what. Many people want what I want and they are terrified to admit it. Be more like me. Be vulnerable and share about what you need. Talk about it (with the right people). You will be surprised how it deepens your connection.
In short, communicate. Share and listen. Truly listen to understand someone’s perspective. Try to dissolve your ego when you are listening. When you listen, it is all about the other person. Their perspective. Their feelings. Listen without judgment, assumption or projection. Listen to understand and validate. Give that a try. I’ve been loving how fun listening can be. I get to ask many questions and peel layers and layers with friends I’ve known for years. I thought I knew them deeply already! I was wrong. There’s more to them – always. There’s more to me – always. It is beautiful to be a witness to each other’s journey in this deep and intimate way. It is delicious and I hope you get a taste for yourself.
In the remainder of this week, I encourage you to have an intimate conversation with someone you love. Make a request about what you want in the relationship. Stay in the discomfort while you wait for them to answer you. Do not dismiss your own needs. Also listen carefully to what they other person is saying and what they need. End the conversation with a thank you. Thank you for listening and making space for my needs. I love/appreciate you.
Let me know how the conversation goes.
Sending sweetness your way,
Xiaoyu
