Hi my friends,
Good news first. I managed to take a walk outside today. Seeing the trees budding, the birds circling the pink sky, I felt a sense of aliveness – stark contrast to what I have been feeling. Getting outside helps.
Second good news. In talking with my therapist, I felt a glimpse of hope. My prognosis notes have shown signs of improvement. I am not as disconnected to my body as I was. Though my nervous system is still in the freeze state. To tame my eating disorder, I have been following my mother’s eating schedule. My hunger cues are slowly returning! Sweet small signs of hope!
My therapist also shined light on my resilience. We all need someone to point out what we can’t see. She said, surviving, for now, is enough. Obviously, I have trouble feeling enough. Even more obvious, I need to accept where I am and start there.
I have lodged myself in a town called The Void. The nothingness is insufferable. Like an invisible knife leaving bloodless cuts. I can’t point to obvious signs of pain. I have a blank stare and speak in a mono tone. My emotive and excitable Self has gone. I’ve been left with a shell. This shell isn’t interested in any activities. It doesn’t want to connect with my hobbies. It doesn’t talk to me. I feel lonely.
Time is ruthlessly marching on. I miss experiencing myself laughing, singing, learning, dancing and making friends. Being in this process feels like an odd and sudden breakup. I am in denial. I want myself back. Return to me the bright light! Return to me the tender heart! Return to me the delicious curiosity!
To get to know my current “shell” of a Self, I return to art, films, literature and music. I don’t know who will come out on the other side. I want certain parts of my Self to remain unchanged. How will I participate in the relationship with this emerging Self? I want to be open to change. At the very least, try not resist necessary change for too long.
I want to end with good news: the “shell” appreciates my sad girl indie playlist. I will try the classical music one another day.
Recommend Dodie playing at Tiny Desk.
Bye for now,
Xiaoyu
