Hi friends,
How was your first June weekend? What did you smell and taste?
On Saturday, I went to the local botanical garden with my friend and her family. She has two children, a 5-year old boy, and a 4-year old girl. We played all day. What I noticed is how much we are naturally wired to connect. I saw the little girl standing in front of the garden gate and opened it up to let another little girl in. My hand was dragged to the sound of “ Can I show you something? Can I show you something?”. Sister asked for her brother constantly: “ Have you seen my brother? Where is my brother?”
Where are you? Are you there for me? Can I show you something? Do you see me? I am here. Come play with me. Come and stay. That’s the dialogue we are in everyday. Our desire to stay connected may be enough reason to be hopeful.
Late last night, I tried out an online meeting for love addicts. I heard people labeling themselves as Love Addicts. Aren’t we all?! Aren’t we all trying to go back to that sweet dream of THE perfect love: the love that will heal our wounds; the love that will make us feel safe and finally unclench our fist and our teeth when we fall asleep; the love that is so patient that it will sit with us in our darkest hours without judgment and only tenderness and care; the love that says: “ I am right here. I am not going anywhere.”
In the garden, there is an old lady caring for the plants and flowers while kids are running around and giggling. She fills up her jug and slowly walked towards each corner of the garden, loving on what the soil and her care had cocreated. There is another lady at the garden entrance, a digital counter in hand, greeting everyone. Her smile was calm and she said, “come back again.” when we exited.
We are trying to return to each other. I thought. That’s all we are trying to do. To that warm embrace, however brief, however temporal, however painstaking. We want them. We need them. We will always say, “more, more, give me more.” We are love addicts.
The medicine we need is buried in each other. I am learning to turn towards people in my life instead of running away in fear. I am learning to say – Hi, I am scared. I feel lonely. I am hurting. I want to be a good friend to you. Can you show me what it is like to be you? Can you tell me your story? Are you scared? Do you feel lonely? How are you hurting? What’s true for you? Can we sit here for a minute? Here is some water. I need a hug.
When I started the blog, I had thick stone walls guarding my heart, my truth, and my imperfections – I’ve been hurt by love and I was careful but deep down I was moving towards the warm, safe embrace. I thought I had to build a consistent image of a person – an ideal me, for others to connect with me. I assumed they’d not like me for me. I edited out parts of myself. I assumed the whole of me would not be acceptable – only the good and the helpful can be revealed. And I am standing on this page today, thinking how much I’d want to tell my grandpas about my life and ask them: “ Can I show you something?” I want to say I understand my holy assignment now. I am blessed to be me and I will try my best to let me be. I want to ask “how’s life on the other side? What have you learned?”. I want to say, I miss you. I miss you everyday. I am writing and I will try my best to keep writing. I want to say, people connect to my writing because I am writing to you and for you and for us. I am writing to stay connected, to make contact.
My truth, friends, is I don’t know and I am curious to see how life unfolds. The holy assignment asks for surrender and endurance, neither would be possible if we don’t have each other. Thank you for being here with me. You are needed.
Love sits in the tiny actions and moments of our turning towards each other, waiting for us to discover – it is right here, everywhere.
Love*,
Xiaoyu
*Goodbyes are so hard for me. It breaks my heart every time. Some days, the sunsets bring me to tears. And I am learning to view goodbyes as hellos to the next moment. Goodbye, the sun and hello, the moon. That helps, a little. Talk soon friends.
