Hi friends,
What’s new with you? I had an eventful week – emotionally challenging and growth affirming. And I feel beyond happy and relieved to be centered enough and write to you. Right now, I am listening to Alexandre Tharaud playing Rameau. Let me know if you hear competing melodies in the flow of my words.
There are a couple of things I care to share with you about this week. The purpose of sharing them is to tell you a simple fact – the continuous effort you put in when there is no audience or hope, is worth every bit of it in the long run. One day, you will see and experience how strong you are and you will not doubt it. That was my goal: to be strong enough to care for this extremely sensitive, dramatic, curious and driven spirit of mine. I want her to feel safe enough to venture out, to dance, to sing, to speak her truth, to take up space, and to be who she is. I took on the responsibility and commitment to love her, care for her, support her and parent her. I vowed to be her best friend through it all. I am renewing the vow everyday with my actions. There are no perfect days but I try my best. I ask for her mercy and forgiveness. I ask for her trust. This spiritual maintenance is energy demanding but she is worth all of my effort.
In the past, it would take me at least two months to process what has happened. I’d be lying on the ground for weeks. I am up and running and writing to you two days after what has happened. That IS progress and growth – visible and lived proof to my spirit that I GOT HER. She will continue to ask for proof and I understand where she is coming from. She knows pain intimately. My job is to help her move towards the type of pain that helps us to go where we want to go – the type of pain that builds strength and feeds growth in areas we need the most.
Curious to know what happened? Here are two things I feel are helpful to share and my takeaways.
Thing One: I tried weight lifting in a cage with barbells and weight plates. This seemingly daunting and aggressive activity showed me that I can do hard things and be quite good at it. And I want this strength training to be a part of my regular routine. If you have tips or resources from your own personal experience, would you share with me? I am brand new. Help me avoid unnecessary injuries.
My Takeaways from Thing One: This is more than physical training. Doubt and fear are my enemy. Hesitation and gentleness may lead to unnecessary injury. I am asked to be precise, aggressive, loud and decisive. I am also asked to trust my authority, my body, my strength, and my ability to execute the sets. Commit to the set and do it. This is going to be the hardest thing I will do with my life and I want to do it.
When there are weights on my shoulders, I flinch. My coach says, after you have put in the proper effort and preparation to set yourself up for success, all you do is to trust your body and decide that you are going to do the set. Follow the breathing rhythm – in and out. There are no perfect sets. And you only do five per set and you can do it.
When I asked my coach what other exercises I can do to support weight training, his answer was, “just do your sets”. Isn’t that wise and quite the teaching for living in the NOW?! Life is happening now. Go live it fully instead of in preparation mode for some imaginary future. Do not trust your imagined realities, however grand or bleak it is. Keep the focus and weight on the center of your feet NOW.
And friends, the most interesting thing I noticed while training was that I don’t fully stand up – my chest is hunched over most of the time. You don’t want that. You want a straight back. Chest up. Shoulders down. For my ladies, boobs out. You want to fully STAND UP.
Thing Two: I laid down my heart and told my person that I want to go out with him. We’ve known each other since we were teenagers and dated in high school. I love him. I’ve always loved him and don’t ever want to lose him as a friend. On a Virgo full moon (the moon has nothing to do with the decision), after decades of being afraid of telling him how I feel and what I want, I decided to tell him in the most vulnerable letter I can manage. I was clear and honest about what I think of him. I was courageous – thinking about what I did makes my stomach tremble. And I can rest knowing I have given my all. And I respect his choice and will continue to love him as a dear friend. He is such a great person. His reply was thoughtful, kind and clear.
My Takeaways from Thing Two: Wow. Heartbreak hurts. There is no way around it. It is a part of the deal of being a human and choosing to love and grow. I am getting better at supporting my own heartbreaks. What helps is to feel the pain and let it rip – I wailed. Another thing that helps me at the moment is to paint. When words can’t reach me, when music can’t float me, when my heart is feeling the weight and depth of the love and pain, only sitting on the floor and painting will do. So, I did. And only after painting, words came back to me. This is my process. I am inviting you to pay attention to your process.
In addition to supporting myself, I reached out to my friends – friends I trust and know who are able to give me the support I need. One got me coffee and sat with me in discomfort. She didn’t try to make it better. She didn’t ask for a story. She was comfortable sitting next to me and holding my hands and letting me cry. That is a precious friend right there. Another one made me laugh. He told me jokes. He sang. He offered me the light of knowing, despite the pain, joy and laughter are possible for me. I can hold multiple emotions and realities at the same time. He also didn’t ask for a story or explanation. He simply was there for me. That is another precious human I love.
Looking at this decision to tell someone I love how I feel about him, it is a good one. It is the good pain of having clarity and removing future regrets. It is a great practice of showing up with honesty and vulnerability with someone I know I can trust. It is evidence that I can do hard things. Most importantly, I am so proud that I am this honest with myself. Now, I know. And I can put a period to this story. I can give myself permission to close this door that I wasn’t sure whether to fully close or not. Good job, my sweet girl. I am so proud of you.
Friends, I hope wherever you are reading, may you find and commit to the right type of pain for yourself to grow. We can do hard things. And evolution is inevitable. Tell me your commitment. Show me that it is for real.
Love,
X.Y.Zheng
