On my walk today, I thought about asking for help and how difficult and vulnerable the act is. I was reminded of the baggage I carry from my family of origin, the role I took on, the conscious effort it requires to drop the contract that I didn’t sign up for or agree to, and the constant work that I put into rewriting a script that’s worthy of staying alive for – life is so precious and beautiful!
I thought about what it means to give up finding love, acceptance and safety from the people whom I am linked by blood; what it means to reconcile the pain and hurt accumulated over an entire childhood so that I can create my own peace and community; what it means to make adult decisions at age 13 and be amazed by how brilliant some of those decisions have been – thank you intuition (!); what it means to accept the reality of my eternal jealousy for a care-free childhood; what it means to not lose hope and choose love over and over and over again; what it means to extend grace and mercy that’s been shown to me.
I feel privileged to witness the change in me: from believing that I am doomed for misery to taking full responsibility of how I feel, how I act and how I am living a life that I want. My life is mine and I have choices – having agency over one’s choices are crucial for the survival of a vibrant spirit.
I am sharing all this not to ask for your pity or your congratulations, I am sharing with the hope that you will take my story as proof that change is possible and you are stronger than you think you are. Be patient with yourself and your journey. Do not give up on yourself. You are worthy of all of your effort. I promise.
When I began walking, the sun was nowhere to be seen. By the time I was turning around to head back, the sun peaked out. I took a detour to get Matcha Latte from Starbucks nearby. Na-Na with the pink hair helped me to order. She wore a silver cross. The Starbucks is located on the ground floor of the Convention Center. On my way back, a middle-aged white man asked me where I got my Starbucks. I answered. He wore a dark gray jacket. He is tall with neatly groomed silver hair. He went on to say something fast and some more. I paused my earbuds and asked him to repeat himself. He said that the other Starbucks nearby has been closed since the pandemic. We crossed the street together. He asked whether I am visiting or I work here. I said, I work here and returned his question back. He pointed to the building ahead where a private equity firm and other supporting businesses of such a firm is housed. I work here, he said. He asked me to enjoy the sun. I replied, I will. This man walked into the building and I went on enjoying the sun.
I would have missed the sun and this brief conversation had I successfully killed myself. Life can be so good and simple when I decide that it is time to drop the ax that was not mine to carry.
What more can I say besides I love you?
x.o.
X. Y. Zheng
