Hi friends,
I wish you a restful and peaceful holiday.
You look very handsome to me. I hope you know.
Sending you love,
Xiao-Yu
Letter No. 17.
J,
I got a video from your sister: your nephew was sleeping in his light blue onesie. His baby wrinkles are gone. He is plump and edible, dripping with freshness and vulnerability. I love him. I think you would too. He makes your sister very happy, and exhausted.
Did I ever tell you that I think you are handsome? I must have told you that, maybe not in that exact sentence. I intended to make you feel all kinds of special. I hope my deeds matched my intention.
I didn’t tell Rachel that I changed my mind about children. I didn’t have the opportunity to tell you either. I’ve always believed that children need someone sturdy and calm in their life. I thought they needed consistency and stability. I am not that. I am moody, sensitive, and unpredictable, and I cry when I see a piece of cloud floating by. I thought I could not explain that to a child. I thought explaining is more important than experiencing the cloud together. I thought I had to have answers for the young mind. I thought I had more preparation to do as a person before I can parent another. I have many thoughts about children that I couldn’t discuss with you now. I want to thank you for helping me see the world differently and experience myself differently. You gave me faith in my ability to protect, nurture and love, in my own way. You are a very special person.
I am working on establishing a new relationship with myself. I’ve changed since your death, in the best and most positive sense. I was forced to give all of my emotions the space to be. Some of them are difficult guests. I sat with them, all of them, for a long while. I didn’t know whether the dark tunnel had an end; I was too exhausted to find out. For once, giving it all up saved me. From the crumble, newness springed.
I am absorbed in writing that I forgot my coffee. I need to warm it up now. Perhaps I could ask Rachel to make more mugs and bowls for me. She is not good at being taken care of.
Now, with hot coffee in my blood, I am a happy woman. I am writing to you in your blue robes. The sleeves are too long for me so I rolled them up. It covers my body comfortably, from neck to ankle. I am pleased that most of your clothes work well for me.
I have been taking some days off from work. I’ve learned to not force it. I have a vague silhouette forming in my head. I need more clarity. And rest is helpful. I am also itching for a camping trip soon. Would it be odd to invite Craig to go with me?
I want to take your nephew camping as soon as he turns five. I can’t wait. I hope he is curious like you.
All my love,
Hannah
